"Who am I? Who are you? Are you a nobody too?"
This is a quote from an episode of Law & Order: SUV.
Those words spoke to me, and I often ponder the thought. When defining oneself it is as follow... I am Michelle, Mika's mommy and Steve's wife, and that pretty much what comes to mind. Take those away and I don't know who I am. To be quite honest, I have always been a half of a whole; when I was younger I was Krystle's sister. In fact, with our first employers we were known through the region as the infamous Fisher sisters. My history has always been being part of a unit.
Granted there have been times where I have been able to rise on my own. But many times struck with the fear of the unknown and rejection; I have hid ... not exposing myself to heartbreak. I've let this fear often stop me from doing many things in my life. I live for security. I don't know why rejection scares the living heck out of me. I have never experienced too many rejections for me to think I have such a high failure rate.
I believe it has to do with my upbringing. Not necessarily was it being a failure was an option, but I don't think there was an option to fail. Which I guess is a great mindset to have. However with success there will be failure. For some odd reason, I don't think I ever had an opportunity to experience that, so there develops my fear of failure.
My parents gave me the tools to succeed. As a child I was blessed with opportunities that helped build my core. I was able to stand out academically and socially. But things changed when my parents went through a divorce. I wasn't afraid of the divorce, it needed to happen. Their relationship became toxic and they needed to part ways. It was the after effects that have and still haunt me to this day.
I had a good childhood, it had it's good times rarely the bad. I know there are a lot more people who have had it worse than me. I am grateful for my childhood and now know I was blessed with my upbringing. I was given my basics; being fed, clothe, having a roof over my head. But I was also allotted with being able to have nice things and travel.
Being shy has always been my nature, as a child I was able to overcome. Even as a baby I was shy. My mom has said... when I was a baby she thought I was deaf or something was wrong with me. Her friend's babies would try to communicate, I wouldn't. It got to the point where she took me to a specialist and sure enough, I was a healthy baby. I didn't start talking until my sister came along. (She's 18 months younger.)
This being said, it wasn't the divorce itself but the after effects. I lost things and relationships, especially one that will never be able to recover. (Details are personal and may hurt others, so I will not discuss) I lost my dad. All parties are able to blame at one point or another, but mostly myself. Living at that present time, I was just becoming a teenager. Just getting by with that was challenging enough. I did not have the ability to process everything at that moment. I took what knowledge I had then and made the choices I did. Now looking back, being able to see a bigger picture I regret a lot. I pushed my dad out of my life. He tried to make an effort, but as a person you can only try so many times before you just walk away. And that's what he did, he moved to Thailand. I cannot blame him for his decision. He needed to live his life; especially if his children didn't let him into their lives.
I am a firm believer (not the best practitioner) in pursuing your happiness. You only have one life to live, do not just sit by and watch your life fly by. You need to strive to live it to the fullest.
That being said, our relationship will never be able to recover fully. It's not completely lost, but it will never be what it could have been. Being my teenage self, I never saw what opportunities he would miss out on. My dad didn't get to see me off to Prom, see me graduate from high school. He wasn't able to walk me down the aisle at my wedding, hasn't seen his granddaughter. The list could go on and on. Dad saw the photos but was never there physically to experience those cherished memories. Who knows, maybe one day he will be able to meet Mika or my husband, Steve. None the less, he missed out on a lot. I often have dreams about visiting with him once again.
While I was losing my dad, I gained a step dad. He took care of my sister and I as his own, and I will always be grateful for that. He stepped into the role and was a good father figure. I treasure the memories and relationship we had. Once again, things changed and I let go.
As far as other things were concerned regarding the divorce; I lost what other stability I had. I was forced to change schools my sophomore year of high school. To be honest, it completely ruined me. At my old school I was comfortable in my skin, was able to succeed. Heck! I was even a cheerleader (many don't believe) but once I changed schools I reverted back into my shell, afraid to take a chance on anything. I did try out for the cheer squad and did not make the cut. That year was hard on me. Luckily I had my sister; she was coming in as a freshman. Inevitably she made me the friends, what few I actually had in high school.
Changing schools also affected me academically. At my old school, I felt challenged and competed with my peers. My friends and I had the same classes and was able to look to them for help with our subjects. (Not to toot my own horn but I have the ability to be a very smart cookie.) I was taking courses where a majority of the students in my class were upper-classmen, and a few students who were under-classmen, like myself. However in the new school I was too shy to talk to anybody in those classes. So when I needed help or other insight, I had none and often struggled. But I do have to admit; by my senior year of high school I had a huge case of "seniorist" and slacked off. Granted I excelled in my necessary subjects but I did fail AP Cal (my only F) and took lazy filler classes. I had the potential to do so much more with my life and I have wasted it.
Looking back at it all, I am always left with the "what ifs" of it all and will always wonder what could have been. But with that, I know I needed to take the path that I did to have what I have now. There would have no other way to have had family I have, and they are my most treasured gift. To me, Mika is the greatest accomplishment I have achieved thus far. But there is much more I need to do, in order to succeed in life. This is my chance to now take the initiative and strive to be much more than what I am.
So coming back to my original thought... Who am I? Well I am who I mentioned previously, but there is much more to me than meets the eye. I truly am not a nobody, I need to be a somebody. I am a traveler on this journey called life. I am the controller of my destiny, now is the time to strive for a better future. And I have the ability to be much more, just need to take the leap of faith.
